An Ocean Curse

Gonna keep a record of how I'm feeling everyday.

Wed, 26 Sep 2012 16:11:11 -0400

Even if I can’t say anything to people I know, I should still get it out.

Today, I’m not okay.

So I made a post on my actual tumblr about how much I wanted to kill myself. And I get messages on...

Thu, 12 Jul 2012 21:44:22 -0400

So I made a post on my actual tumblr about how much I wanted to kill myself.

And I get messages on here and two text messages.

So that should be a good thing cause that means that people care.

So why do I keep lying to them saying that I’m okay when I’m really not?

Probably won’t be killing myself, but I’m not sure if I can stop myself from cutting. The urge is far too much.

It's one of those nights that I wish I could be in someone's arms.

Mon, 07 May 2012 00:03:15 -0400

Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so horrible.

Maybe that would mean that someone actually cares about me and I won’t be alone forever.

God damn, I need to get a hold of myself.

I’m sick of being like this, but I also like it, don’t I? If I didn’t like this, I would just stop feeling like this. Right?

Right.

Fuck.

Just fuck.

I screwed part of my life over.

Just fuck all this shit.

Why can’t anyone love me?

When your crush says "It's hard to find singles to love!"

Thu, 01 Mar 2012 03:10:37 -0500

pleymo1369:

First you’re like:

And then in your mind:

I don't want to live anymore...

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 01:27:40 -0500

But I keep putting on a smile and optimistic act. I mean, a part of me actually is optimistic, but most of me just doesn’t want to live anymore. I just want to end it. I don’t want to deal with this anymore.

Death seems so easy, but it’s so permanent.

It doesn’t change the fact that I really want it, and I keep getting ignored by the one person who I need not to ignore me.

Fuck it. I think it might be another cutting night, otherwise it would be a night to end all nights, and I can’t do that just yet.

Only Wants in Life

Thu, 23 Feb 2012 00:42:03 -0500

-To love and be loved by the same person for the rest of at least one of our lives.

-To have at least one child and give them a better life than I had.

-Do something helpful and meaningful.

-Enjoy what I do for the rest of my life.

-Be happy.

Are those so hard to ask for?

Probably…

Photo

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 00:19:46 -0500

Despite saying that I want to keep living...

Sat, 18 Feb 2012 02:41:54 -0500

I really just wish I would die. I’m too much of a puss to actually off myself, but still. I don’t wan to live how I am living right now.

Why are people so afraid of death?

The suffering ends there.

Guess I’ll just have to stick with cutting myself since it’s clear no one actually cares anymore. Well, at least not the people who I want/need to care.

Have you ever thought...?

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 02:59:09 -0500

That if, by some bullshit chance, everything that happens to you during your life is controlled by someone or something, that there’s a little meeting that happens in order to try to fuck your life over some more? Like, I’m picturing this sort of casual encounter going on:

Dick1: Oh, hey there, David. What’s up?

Dick2: Oh, nothing much. Been browsing the internet and what not. What’s up with you.

Dick1: Nothing much here. *glances at screen for business* Hey, dude. How often have you been checking that?

Dick2: Oh, shit. It’s been a while.

Dick1: How long is a while?

Dick2: Uhh… at least a few months now.

Dick1: Seriously, Dave?

Dick2: Hey, it happens. You get preoccupied with other things. Don’t tell me that you haven’t done that before.

Dick1: That’s true. Let’s see what you have on your plate.

*both look at screen*

Dick1: Are you seeing what I’m seeing?

Dick2: … I think so.

Dick1: I must be imagining things.

Dick2: No, man. She’s. Actually. Happy.

Dick1: Fuck, man. This is why you need to pay attention more often.

Dick2: Sorry. It won’t happen again. Let me fix that. *presses the button the fucks up all the good things in your life* That should do it.

Dick1: Haha! She’s such an emotional wreck. She’s even cutting herself again. Good work, man.

Dick2: Gotta make up for lost time!

-End of Conversation-

Seriously. This must happen because whenever I let my guard down and go, “Okay, I can accept this. I’m allowed to be happy and get comfortable. It’s okay to just let yourself be vunerable because if you don’t allow yourself to be, you’ll never get to experience the best things in life, like love.” And then just shit happens. It’s hard to get over a break up when you still love the person and are forced to greet him and see him on a regular basis. This isn’t fair, but life isn’t a wish-granting factory, so I guess I should just either get over it, or get over life.

Fuck.

Sometimes...

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 02:12:51 -0500

I just want to stop living.

It would be so much easier than to live, so why does everyone fight to continue to suffer?

I wonder if good things are to come.

Pshh… Look at me try to comfort myself with bullshit.

So it's been awhile...

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 01:47:00 -0500

Basics:

-Boyfriend dumped me recently, and I’m still trying to get over it.

-Had a relapse with cutting not too long ago. Might happen more often.

-Started taking my anti-depressants again.

-Been extremely depressed and prone to crying.

-Having awesome times with awesome people and feeling special.

-Going between hating life and loving life.

-Little sleep and not eating properly.

I’ll rant about certain things when I wouldn’t mind crying over them, but it’s late, and I want to fall asleep in a good mood.

Here it Goes...

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 15:04:11 -0500

So I’m back at college. We don’t have classes today (thank goodness), so I had a very nice night with my boyfriend (minus the mark that he left at the front of my neck and the redness of my chin due to his facial hair scratching up against it, but I had a nice time), got something to eat in the morning, and organized my room. I think I might have been able to nap for a little bit, so that was quite nice. There were chances of the night not going so nicely due to the fact that a friend of mine was breaking up with my best friend. I wasn’t too sure how she would handle it, so I was prepared to spend the night with her with a pan of brownies to help her, but he did it gently. It’s a bit nice knowing that she is able to handle herself well, and that he made sure to be very clear that he was doing so because he really could only see her as a friend. This, of course, made me worry a bit about how my relationship will go and how long it will last. I’m not the best with dealing with break-ups, and I’m pretty sure that one between my boyfriend and I would probably either be mutual or him breaking it off with me. I’m not much of a dumper. I’m clearly a dumpee. I keep telling myself not to worry about it since that would only make it more probable and worse, so I’m pretty much ending my concerns about this with this post.

So my roommate and I seem to be doing alright right now, but I’m pretty sure that will not last for too long. See, I requested a different roommate, and due to the other person not communicating with me about things, I ended up stuck in a double with this one girl who seemed really nice at first. She’s pretty, and her family seem nice, but she’s one of those people that act differently with certain people (I’m like this, too, so I won’t complain too much about that). The thing is that she’s gotten to be closer friends with people that can be a bit bitchy, don’t seem as focused about their education as the should be, and that start a lot of drama. Since there’s only one person on my floor that I really get along with (and I don’t really see her much), it’s sort of isolating to be here. I was lucky enough to have been able to hang out with other people at other residence areas and apartments, but this semester will be a busier semester, and I’ll need to be in my room to focus on my work. I mean, I’ve never had a fight with my roommate, but there’s an obvious tension, and we just keep to ourselves mostly. At least I only need to deal with this sort of inconvenience for one more semester. I’ll most definitely will be rooming with my best friend next year, so that will be awesome.

My RA sort of has an interesting personality, though. He doesn’t really talk with me much, but today when he had us sign something, and I was trying to take a nap, he whispered my name and was like, “I just have to ask. What was your GPA?” So I told him I got a 3.7, and he sort of had what I could only describe as a fangirl moment, and was like, “She’s gonna get a 3.9 or something this semester,” and kept saying, “She’s smart. She’s a smart one.” This probably annoyed my roommate who didn’t do as well as she wanted this semester. It was weird, but it made me a bit happy. I’m self-centered like that sometimes, but at least I can admit that.

Now I’m just buying time before I need to get ready and meet my boyfriend somewhere to go on a bus to my friend’s house (he rents it) for dinner. I’m quite excited since this person and I have sort of a special bond, and I love him, and I missed him, so yeah…

Since I don’t want to be completely boring, I guess I can share some of the interesting things that happened last night/this morning that really stuck out to me. Since it was our first night being able to sleep together since the middle of December, we didn’t do anything too exciting that would require an interesting story for, but I did drop off my hand cuffs that I got over break for him to restrain me (yeah, I’m into that. I believe most women probably are). It was nice, though. It’s definitely something I won’t be forgetting any time soon. I mean, I would have had an interesting shower story, but the other people in his apartment were up this morning when we were going to, and we decided not to be awkward since one of the apartment-mates is new to the apartment, and we all just met maybe an hour or two before my boyfriend and I went to his room. Maybe next time.

I’m just glad that I understand how to use coverup a bit better now, so the marks and redness aren’t as apparent. Yeah… He’s totally getting punished for this.

Till Next Time <3

-Insert Pen Name, IF I HAD ONE! (please send me suggestions in my ask. Extra points if you can relate it to something nerdy and/or sexy ;D)-

Unrelating to Me...

Sun, 15 Jan 2012 02:43:00 -0500

…But I’d just like to say how I’m amazed that I have only had this blog for less than a few hours, and I somehow managed to snag 3 followers. 2 of them seem awesome just based on their posts (one seems like they actually know music, and I’d just like to say that I love music, and by love music, I mean I play instruments and all that fancy junk, so that person is awesome), and 1 is automatically awesome due to being a nerdfighter and all that fun stuff <3

So yeah. Just liked to point out how I apparently am attracting awesome people, and that makes me feel awesome and happy for no good reason since I’m probably stuck up like that.

News Only Exciting for Me

Sun, 15 Jan 2012 02:25:10 -0500

So, I figured an excellent first post with content should be something that will either attract many people or push people away.

This is something that I really shouldn’t be that excited about, but I guess there’s only one feeling to feel about this, and “excited” is the best word to describe it. Now, I’m in college, so you know I’m not some 12 year old girl just starting to experience puberty for the first time. It’s been awhile since that started. This body of mine has been matured for quite some time now. I’ve had the same breast size since around the beginning of high school (34Ds), but I’ve only really started having much of a sex life until recently. Anything prior occurred during high school, and that was only sexual abuse/rape, so that doesn’t really count for anything.

Now, I, until recently, thought that it was impossible for me to orgasm. Sure, I’ve masturbated a number of times, but I never really enjoyed it much or got to that point. It took awhile until I finally orgasmed through mutual masturbation, and took a bit longer to be able to orgasm through vaginal intercourse (yes, I tend to use more proper terms. One of my little quarks you can say). I’m glad to announce that I’m now able to orgasm quite easily and with greater intensities. Actually, recently I had an encounter with my boyfriend that we discovered something quite wonderful. We were only doing some mutual masturbation due to location and time, but he managed to make me orgasm three times in a fairly rapid succession, and that led me to continue to orgasm without any stimuli for quite some time. He actually started to worry a bit since this continued to happen for at least 15-30 minutes. It was quite wonderful.

But that’s not really the exciting news I wished to share. The exciting news is that I finally figured out how to properly masturbate. It was quite an experience, really, and quite wonderful. It’s a bit empowering really to know that I can finally bring myself to orgasm without the help of anyone else.

And, I know. Big woop. Males seem to become master masturbators in no time and before the age of 16, but female masturbation and orgasms are more complicated. I didn’t really see the need nor enjoyment of just playing with just yourself. I still prefer a connection with someone. Whenever I’m experiencing pleasure like that, I like to also share that pleasure with someone I’m physically and/or emotionally attracted to. But yeah. This is wonderful news for me that is obviously tmi, but I’m sure this will be interesting to at least someone. Maybe some sexually frustrated person who was browsing the masturbation/sex tags on tumblr who grew tired of the more distasteful porn gifs and photos and wanted to do a bit of reading.

So now there’s something about me for everyone to know. I’m somewhat of a sexual deviant, but I’m still inexperienced and learning. Oh, learning. It’s such a wonderful thing. I’m sure to learn a lot tomorrow night (tonight based on the actual time) with the boyfriend. Oh, maybe I’ll have more stories to tell from that, but I feel like that might be something I’ll want to keep to myself, him, and possibly my best friend. Who knows? And also, I’m not just a horny female. Most of the time I’m not a horny female. Most of the time, I’m an emotional person who has their ups and downs. I’d like to also think that I might be at least somewhat intelligent. I mean, I do act a bit like a nerd and enjoy being called one. I guess I’m an emtional nerdy sexual deviant. Oh, joy.

Till Next Time <3

-Enter Pen Name… IF I HAD ONE!-

A Start

Sun, 15 Jan 2012 01:45:07 -0500

So I decided that it would suit my best interests to create a sort of online diary. Why? Because I like to get my thoughts out. It seems like such a waste to keep a private diary or journal since what does that benefit? Sure, it allows for venting, but why not share it with others in order to either a) get help, or b) help?

The only problem with posting online is that people I know would be able to see what I have published, and I rather not always have those people know what I’m thinking all the time. That’s why I couldn’t do something like this on my actual tumblr, so I decided to make an anonymous one. Seems the most logical to me.

Since I just want to give out a warning, posts will either be: delightfully wonderful, horrifyingly boring, completely depressive, too lovey-dovey mushy, thoughtful, wonderfully dirty, and pretty much anything else you can really think of. There’s a chance that I also might post some poems that I don’t consider good enough to be poems or submitted to deviantART.

So, yeah. Feel free to follow me and read about my personal life if that’s something that floats your boat. I wouldn’t mind making some friends if they’re completely fine with not actually ever knowing who I really am, or I’m free to give out bits of advice if one finds it suitable to ask someone like me for some.

Other things to get out of the way:

My url for this was created by flipping through my copy of The Fault in Our Stars by John Green (love that book, highly recommended), and trying to find out something that wasn’t so horrible to have as a name and that wasn’t taken.

I’ll use a pen name for this blog. I’m not exactly sure as to what I wish to use for a pen name quite yet, but there will be one! I’ll probably relate it to either my actual name or something I absolutely adore. Maybe someone on here can give me some suggestions after I start posting some personal stuff (possibly right after posting this since I do have quite a lot to say).

Till Next Time <3